Inadequate

Yesterday, I had the honor and privelege of accompanying Father Jeremy and the 8th grade girls from St. Edward School to visit the Handmaids of the Heart of Jesus, a new religious order of Sisters in our diocese. I didn't have any expectations of them...I knew they would be kind and holy women, dedicated to loving Christ. I certainly didn't expect the feelings that I came away with!

To start off my story, I want to note that Father convinced me to bring Ian, who is now 15 months and into exploring, moving, and tantrums when he's not exploring and moving. I should have listened to that faint voice in the back of my head that said, "You'd enjoy your trip much more if you went without the baby!" But I gave into Father's request so he would be able to "play" with Ian & the Handmaids could as well.

So, the trip there was almost 2 hours, and Ian was good for the 1st hour & then even the 5 girls in the van couldn't keep him happy. He was just getting tired at this point, but was going to fight it as long as he could, and fight he continued to do!

We arrived at the convent in Searles (which is an absolutely beautiful little town!) and sat down to get acquainted with the sisters...Ian wanted to bang his cup on the table. Then we had Mass in the chapel. It was amazing & the Handmaids sang like angels...I stood in the hallway for the most part of it to keep Ian from disrupting the entire service.

Now, I realize that he's usually pretty good & that he's also at the age where sitting still gets tough. And at this point he was tired and getting hungry for something more than milk and animal crackers, but I was starting to resent that I didn't listen to that voice, especially when the rest of the visit seemed to entail being separated from all that was going on. By the time we had lunch, as I sat inside with a crabby baby, I was feeling like the babysitter and the busdriver. Pity party anyone?

As I felt my resentment level rise even further, I buckled Ian into his car seat & went for a drive to assist him in closing his eyes for a snooze. I think at that point God's grace began to come over me. As I drove around the "every-yard-perfectly-landscaped" town, I thought about the Handmaids and their presence in the community. "Do this town know what they have? If they do, does that reflect their pride in their clean little town?"

With Ian now asleep, I brought him inside and lay his exhausted little body down & tried to rest in the stillness myself. I peeked outside to see the Handmaids and the girls playing Ultimate Frisbee in the nearby baseball field. "Wow! They're really athletic! Aren't they hot running around in those habits?", I thought to myself. Longing to be a part of their fun, but realizing I can't stand the heat much less run around (3 ACL reconstruction surgeries...), I spend some time in the Presence of the Precious Body & Blood of Jesus in the tabernacle, and then I raid the large library to find a book I think God intended me to find.

After reading about Saints who suffered, I sense my resentment turn into an appreciation for the quiet time with the Lord in the midst of a holy home filled with positive energy and beautiful artwork. I feel a longing to fill my home with similar pieces...simple, yet elegant and Christian. I feel my resentment transition to what I know is my calling, and that's to sacrifice for my family. To be a quiet example. To show love in times of frustration and discomfort.

As our day with the Handmaids whittles away, they share a video entitled, "My vocation story" that they made about a woman explaining her discernment to sisterhood. I was moved to tears as she explained a love inside her growing for the Lord, as she described a love that a woman has for a man that can also be experienced for us all in Christ.

I suddenly feel a new emotion come over me that I didn't expect...an inadequacy to the Handmaids in how I carried myself, how I prayed, how I said things, and most of all, how I dedicated my life, heart, body & soul, to Christ. I suddenly understood why some people don't feel comfortable around practicing Christians...a feeling of inadequacy. At first, it made me feel guilty, and then confused and helpless as to what to do next, but now I am sure that the Lord will point me in the right direction, so that I do not continue to fall into the lie that anyone is inadequate in God's eyes, and that we all are meant to reflect His glory, just as the Handmaids did to me yesterday. Once again, my prayers for humility and strength are answered but not how I expected of course.

Happy birthday, Riley

Yesterday would have been Riley's 4th birthday, so our family thought it would be nice to get together to celebrate the day he was born. The day started out tough, but being surrounded by family sure is healing for the soul. The weather was perfect and after devouring 5 pizzas, we went out to Riley's gravesite with the cake and balloons to sing him "Happy Birthday". All of the cousins had a balloon to release into the sky to send up to Riley & it was truly touching and I think it's something we'll look forward to doing each year.

Our sister-in-law, Teresa, did an awesome job talking about Riley, so I want to share that with you here. And please feel free to continue keeping us in our prayers! It definitely helps and we still have days that get difficult. Thank you so much! God bless!

As many of you know, this has been a tough week for our family. On Tuesday evening, our lives were overturned when our 3 year-old nephew, Riley, was struck and killed by the hitch of the boat trailer in his yard. We are not exactly sure how it happened, but around suppertime that night, his family found him pinned under it. Our neighbor is a First Responder and his wife came over to alert me of an emergency involving a 3 year-old at my sister-in-law's house. I immediately made my way over there to a sight I never expected...paramedics doing CPR on a little body with distraught parents standing by. Jason's mom was there & informed me & I got on the phone to call as much family as I could, but first attempting to call Father Jeremy (whom I could not reach, but knew was home.)

When I had reached everyone & had more family there for Mom & the kids, I decided to run over to Father's house (2 blocks away) and get him for the emergency. He was able to deliver last rights to Riley in the ambulance as they continued to work on him. As family arrived, we just held each other & prayed for the best, but little Riley did not survive, which I now know is what his Mom knew from the moment she found him & started CPR on him.

It has been a long week, but a time of definite sorrow, pain, tears of suffering and of joy of celebration of his life. Our family was close, but has become even closer because of this & we have seen many blessings already come from this. God was working in Riley before we ever knew it and He will continue to work in and around us through this. We have felt His Grace through the prayers of family and friends in our community and everywhere. We have received consolation in the loving arms of our Savior, who through His Death & Resurrection promises us eternal life & the hope of seeing Riley again in perfect love.

We have celebrated Riley's life and the lives of those we spend time with and those that have reached out to us through contact, letters, cards, gifts of food or service or donations to Riley's family. As a member of the family, I thank you with my whole heart and encourage you to embrace your loved ones, forgive your enemies or those who have hurt you, learn from the past, celebrate today and live for tomorrow like you've never done before. We never know when our last moment may be, and although unfortunate, some suffering is necessary for us sometimes to realize how we are to meant to love and serve each other the way our Father intended when He loved and created us.

May God's Grace and Peace be upon you & bless you all! With hope & love from us all...

100!!

I've reached my 100th post! I don't know if it's really anything to celebrate, but I just thought it was neat to see that happen.

Jason bagged a turkey this year, not to be schooled by them again this year. He's been researching and watching countless turkey hunting shows as well as talking turkey with other avid gobbler-getters. I recall one of the last diaconate class weekends sitting with Deacon Mark at lunch & listening to his stories and strategies of "the love triangle" and "there's nothing a gobbler loves more than a good turkey fight!" You can imagine Jason's excitement when he called in his turkey and blasted a 20 pounder. It was good eats, too!